Each era of xttadx can be defined by the year(s) the project was active - 2012, 2013, and finally 2014-2015. Each era was special/unique in it's own way, but the 2014-2015 catalogue of songs stood out as more ambitious and experimental when compared to previous years. The project was coming into it's own.

As you can see by the track count when comparing previous years, not as much material was released. I thought the 2012-2013 songs were a bit choppy and not very well put together, so I put extra effort into writing. Not sure if the effort came through at all in the songs (I've always been overly critical about myself and anything I create. It drives me nuts, so bare with me folks). Also, off cloud nine label was in it's peak years releasing a bunch of records/tapes, I was trying to do something with The Cambodian Heat, and I was in the middle of a failing relationship. The icing on the cake was undiagnosed mental health problems that plagued me throughout my late teens to my mid-20s. With that being said, the angst was at an all time high. I felt like the only thing that kept me from going crazy was writing and recording music.

With all the above snowballing, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread as if things were all going to come to an end or maybe I just wanted to end my involvement with the scene. It's hard to explain, but I felt used by "friends". I put everything on the line financially for them, releasing their material in hopes of everyone wanting to make something more out of themselves/their bands. Visions/goals didn't align and it frustrated me. Also, there were a lot of hurt feelings from "friends" bailing out on split releases and other stuff. It was hard doing something as goofy as a solo-screamo project and I just wanted some sort of reciprocation or kindness from anyone. I guess when I didn't receive any of that, I put up walls and entered a mode of self-destruction. All I thought was F-this, F-these people, F-this scene... I'm done. Not the healthiest mindset or attitude to have when dealing with a community of folks that were most likely going dealing with their own issues. I definitely made a couple of people upset and I am truly sorry. In life you play the hand you're dealt and I wasn't playing with very much given my mental state, so please forgive me.

If you have physical copies of my last releases and read my lyrics, almost all the lyrical content was about the frustration I was feeling at the time, wanting out of the scene, and just wanting a change in my life. I spent half a decade trapped inside my head and in a scene that was arguably never the healthiest thing for me to be involved with in the first place. At the end of the day, music is a great coping mechanism and a constructive way to express yourself, but sometimes you need more help than music can provide. Sadly I didn't recognize that in time and that probably could've saved me some grief.

I know the above sounds like angry rant, as if the whole 2014-2015 era of the xttadx was a miserable/frustrating experience, but at the time I was just rolling with the punches. I didn't process all those feelings until years later. To make it perfectly clear, I don't hold anything against anyone from back then. We were all kids, doing the best we could with the resources we had at the time. I've got nothing but love for these people and the whacky/fun times we shared. I would love to talk to talk to some of these folks from back then, but am self-conscious about my screamo days and I'm just not the same person I was back then. Not sure if anyone would enjoy the retired me (haha!). I wouldn't realize this until a few years later, but we did our part for the DIY scene and were able to do things normal people only have fantasizes about. Trust me, all my uptight, suit & tie, coworkers wish they had the courage to do what we did, but they kept it on the straight and narrow... how boring!

To wrap this up, pay attention to your mental health and your loved one's mental health. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if you're struggling/having a hard time coping with things. I know it's hard to do, but you're definitely worth it. Don't do what I did and write 300 screamo songs and spiral into a mess. Learn a lesson from my mistakes.

Please forgive me for my screamo era in my 20s... I beat myself up about it more than anyone else can on the internet (haha).

Thank you,

-Nolan